I cry at the thought of losing you
I cry because I don’t have you.
I hold on to what I thought you said
I hold on to what I know you said
but now you don’t say anything.
I wonder why you left me
just like all the rest?
And now I’m left sad and alone
and it’s worse than before.
I wish you’d never talked me out of the pit I was in.
I wish I never flew on your promises and words.
Because now you don’t say anything.
I ask what I’ve done.
I ask where you are.
But you say nothing.
And I’m left in my head
wondering what went wrong.
I don’t even think you know I cry.
I don’t even think you know me.
Stop saying you care.
I hate you for it.
It’d be easier if you’d just tell me to go to hell or fuck off
but that’s not your style.
You just shut off the world.
It used to be that I was on the inside
but now I’m on the out
and I don’t know how to stop trying to get back in.

Copyright Rena Beth Contessa

You talk of driving in different lanes
and doubt making it to where you want to be.
You say maybe I’m faster than you
that I’ve won the lottery.
But it gets lonely driving on the open road
even when you’re in the fast lane
with the top down
and your hair flying in the wind.
I saw you next to me
in the passenger seat
enjoying the ride
but when I turned around you’d hopped out.
I don’t want to drive alone.
I’m looking for a partner.
Someone to give me directions
even if we get lost.
I think we could enjoy the ride
even if you’re car is slower than mine.
I think I’d like watching you dance to the music
as it pounded out of the car speakers.
You could yell at me for missing the turn
and I’d laugh when you’d make one of those crazy jumps like they do in those rally videos.
I guess what I’m asking
is why won’t you take the wheel?

Open and Shut
RB 10/6/12
Open again…you’ve gone

I close my eyes and know your touch
But how can I feel something that has not yet been.
The way you hold me, draw me near, keep me safe in your arms
I long for the protection that comes with your caress.
Walking away from pain that grabs
Is not as hard when someone cleans your wounds.
Every day I know you, I wonder why I’ve settled for less
Then someone who takes the time to see and hear and know.
You say you are not great but you’re caring and fun and free
And I find it hard not to stare
Whether its at a picture or you in my presence
Because for so long I’ve doubted you were real.
Always waiting, always seeking
Someone to hear my cries
Now it’s hard to stop hearing theirs.
But the screams fall away to the sound of you
And I open my eyes
And long for the day when you hold my head in your hand
And see no more pain through the tears that leak down my face
Because someone sees me, loves me, wants me as I am
Naked and broken
Scarred and beautiful
Fully whole in your caress
Able to stand as you let go
But always running back because I want to
And in our embrace
Blooms alchemy
Because the touch of two souls that help each other grow
Yields a power and perfection that draws like a magnet.
I close my eyes
And find a peace
In your arms that aren’t really here
But I can smile because I think for the first time
I’m learning to trust
So forgive me for my fear
And thank you for your patience
Because it hurts so bad to be raw.
I open my eyes
And now I find
That youre here all along.
Safety, pure ness of heart, longing of a touch that doesn’t hurt
And I wonder when I can share it with you
As you’ve shared it with me.
You wonder how I can move,
You say I may not love you and that You only give what should be given
But many can not offer
The intensity I have always been seeking.
I wish you wouldn’t take it away so easily or withdraw it by dismissing who you are
And who you’ve been to me.
I close my eyes and open my hands that have been clenched for so long.
Your hair peeks through my fingers
The skin on your back moves as my palms sweep over it
And our bodies fit together like a puzzle when we are close,
I can not move time nor am I meant to
But if what I feel in my heart is real
And what my soul knows that it desires is true
Then it will not matter
Because all I am supposed to be
Will be found
Just as all that we are supposed to be already exists.
So easy to imagine holding you endlessly in my arms because I already lay in yours
My only fear being that my thoughts are the only place
You and I exist
I have fooled myself before
But I wait even if not patiently
Because inside I know what I’ve always had to give.
And I think it will come out like a flood
When I know for sure that you love me.
And it is so hard to say those words
Because it suggests vulnerability
It suggests you see me
And though I’m not yet where I want to be
Somehow you see me there anyway
And when I see myself in your eyes
I know I will be ok.
What I want is to love and be loved
To give and to receive
To unlock and be free
To exist with someone else who knows me and not only accepts me
But can’t let me go because they will miss me too much if they put me down.
I want so greatly
Because the magnitude of what exists in my heart can no longer fall for less.
I long for the day when I close my eyes after staring at your beauty
Because I am so protected and you are so loved
And when I open them again
I still see you staring back at me
With eyes that say you’ll never leave when I open and shut mine again

Copyright Rena Beth Contessa

I cry
I cry a lot lately
I think now more than I ever have in my life.
They are deep hard tears
But somehow they are healing
Soul healing
Because I mourn a past that was never supposed to be.
A past of sadness and hate and darkness
And I wander towards the future.
My head spins
And my thoughts race
And I cry.
I cry because I am lost and don’t know where I am.
Mixed up in the thoughts of I was and could have been.
They leave me alone.
They leave me lonely but than again I am not.
They leave me grasping.
Because I am not where I should be.
I cry.
I cry when I look around and see what I am neglecting.
What’s in front of me.
All the grasping
All the mourning.
It steals my joy.
Why does my mind go to these places of defeat?
Of false hopes, empty promises, a never ending series of let downs.
Why can’t I just stay
With myself
And reflect.

copyright Rena Beth Contessa

Half awake
Half asleep

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see a one year old version of me
Stumbling and falling
I listen to the voices around me that scold and warn
“Not there! You might break something”
“Oh no! You might fall!”
“What did you do!”
I let the voices wash over me and there is a calmness
And I am free to go where I like.

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see a six year old version of me
I listen to the voices around me that are loud and frightening
“That’s mine. Give it back”
“Stop your painting. It’s time to listen”
“You are not doing what I say!”
I let the noise fade away and there is quiet
And I’m free to do what I want.

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see the twelve year old version of me
I listen to the voices around me that are scornful and shaming
“You’re wrong. How could you be so stupid?”
“After all we do for you, you treat us like this?”
” You don’t love us.”
I let the tears stains dry from my cheeks
And I don’t have to wipe them any more.

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see a seventeen year old version of me
I listen to the voices around me that are controlling and dreamless
“You can’t go to school for anthropology. There are no jobs in that.”
“Writing, ha, I’ve read your work.”
“You have to do it this way, it’s the only way to be.”
I let the hopelessness wash away
And I have my own destiny.

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see a twenty one year old version of me.
I listen to the voices around me that are enticing and well meaning
“I’ll never leave you”
“I understand you”
“We can beat it together”
I let the promises go through my ears
And I don’t hear them anymore.

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see a twenty eight year old version of me
I listen to the voices around me that cover and lie
“That never happened.”
“You’re making that up.”
“How could you say such a thing”
I let the evil be brought into light
And I don’t have to hide anymore

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, it’s safe”
And I see an adult version of me.
I listen to the voices in my own head that are hateful and condemning
“I might get hurt.”
“But how will what I do make them feel?”
“I mess everything up.”
“I’m no good at anything.”
I tell the voices to be quiet but they never stop screaming.

I hear the voice
“Go ahead, its safe”
And I see a thirty six year old version of me.
I stop their words and hear anew
“You don’t have to stay anymore”
And I realize
I am safe

Free
to go where I like
Do what I want
Speak the truth
Walk away from lies
Make my own promises
Keep them
Deny bitterness
Keep far from toxicity
Build a new life
Be the soul I was meant to be

The tears roll down my cheeks
Only for different reasons this time
I don’t have to stay
I go ahead
I am safe

Copyright Rena Beth Contessa

I cry for you.
I cry when you don’t call
I cry at the warmth of your embrace
I cry at the promises of your sweetness
And at the lack of them in your words.
I cry.
A lot.
But that’s no different then it’s always been.
I reach for the phone
To see my unanswered text
And tell myself
He’s fixing his life
We are the same
But we are not the same
Because I miss you.
A stir of hate rages in my gut
And it thrashes about
First at you
Then at me
And then at the world for being such an uncaring place.
I am alone with myself
The place I try so hard to stay away from
And I realize it’s not so bad.
I’m not so bad.
But I wonder
If I’ve exchanged one lie for another
One empty hope for another
One addiction for another
I don’t think I know what love is.
I don’t think I ever have.
It makes me sad
To think how much I miss the one who was always with me
And how I abandoned him.
I will not believe in false gods
But I miss the one I know
thought I knew.
Or was He an addiction too?
I wonder why I left.
Tired of addiction.
Tired of the cycle that promises and leaves you empty.
Just tired.

Copyright Rena Beth Contessa

I wonder if there is a secret code
in which those who know each others presence
could communicate so that the other was sure to know
that it was in fact he she knew and she he knew.
So busy looking in everyone else’s image of me
that I wonder who I know.
Like a fun house of mirrors
Which way is up
Which way is down
I thought I went straight
but went right around.
It’s impossible to stay centered when your branches are reaching
so hard that they snap
A tree falls when it’s roots are shallow and it’s insides hollow.
I am feeding the branches
but I am the root.

Copyright Rena Beth Contessa

I said to the little girl
Why so alone
And she said
No one wants to play with me
I don’t like fun things

I said to the little girl
Why so glum
And she said
No one wants to laugh with me
They only like to make fun

I said to the little girl
Why so bruised
And she said
Because all they do is hurt
And she picked at the wound that lay open on her arm

I said to the little girl
Why so afraid
And she said
Because there is a lot to fear
And her voice quivered in her response

I said to the little girl
Why so pained
And she said
Because I’ve suffered for all my wrongs
And most of their wrongs too

I said to the little girl
Why so frail
And she said
It’s not good to be bold
I might get knocked down

I said to the little girl
Why so quiet
And she said
Because I have nothing to say
My voice is not important

I looked at the little girl
And said
why is your hair so loud
Your clothes so sparkly
Your skin so pierced
And your body so inked?

She looked back at me
Thought for a moment
And said
I guess I want to be heard

How would it feel
If you could show the world your heart
Without fear that it would get trampled on?
How would it feel to show your beauty
Without fear that it would be taken away?
How would it feel if you could show the world
What kindness is
Simply by being who you are?
How would it feel
If your soul were free
And you could fly with the birds?
How would it feel if your feet were planted
So firm In the ground
That they grew roots and drank from the soil?
How would it feel to have a friend
Who would tell you it’s ok to be all these things.

She looked at me and smiled
And said
I think we would like that very much.

I looked at her and smiled
and knew
I’d found my home

Copyright Rena Beth Contessa

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